According to an August 2011 article in Medical News Today, musical therapy can be used in combination with other treatments to treat depression. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Because I know it for a fact to be true. No matter how upset I am with the world, the right song can lift my spirits and make me instantly happy.
Whether it's a timeless classic such as "Love Train" by the O'Jays (don't laugh, it's a chipper song) or a recent fave such as "Telling the World" by Taio Cruz, whenever I hear certain songs, I am instantly snapped from a funk. This is important in stressful situations, such as traffic jams. When I am in the car, I have a tendency to swear like a sailor, blaze my horn, and my blood pressure rises significantly. Now matter how much time I have to get where I am going, people just piss me off. Until I throw in a good sing along jam.
I guess the point that I am making is that life is short, and there is no reason to sweat the small stuff. I mean, who wants to be on their deathbed thinking about all of the people that they flipped off on the freeway? I, for one, plan on being exhausted and looking back at all of my happy times. And I will most definitely be listening to "Love Train."
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Hey Jealousy
If you read internet message boards, and gossip rags, you'll notice that the world is full of meanies. Everytime someone criticizes an actress/singer/model, fangirls and boys always jump to their defense by saying, "you're just jealous." While I maintain that I have the right to think that certain people are simply annoying (ahem Anne Hathaway), I know that there is some truth to this jab.
There's a reason that envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. There is a reason that people consumed with jealousy are referred to as, "green eyed monsters." And yes, there is a reason that nobody wants to be in a relationship with a person who is jealous. Jealousy often goes hand in hand with insecurity, and it can make you do terrible things. Like trash talk people that you don't even know, stalk your ex boyfriend over the internet and even hurt people if you really have a screw loose.
That said, a small amount of jealousy can be good. If your friend is dating a great guy, you can use your jealousy as a signal to chuck the loser that borrows your car every weekend and find someone who treats you better. But extreme jealousy is unhealthy and can impede your ability to live a normal life. If you're always focused on people who have things that you want, you fail to take notice of the things that you have.
As a person who has experienced my fair share of envy, I can say that although it is a hard habit to break, life is better when you don't compare yourself to other people. Jealousy can make you do and say horrible things, and in the end, it's really a waste of time and energy.
So how do you get over it? Well, for one thing, cut yourself some slack. Everyone gets a different path to walk through on life. Just because someone has something you think you want doesn't mean that they get to be free from problems. Remember that people show what they want to the outside world, but there's often a lot underneath the surface that you don't get to see. That girl who you just trashed on the intenet message board just because she's married to "your" Hollywood hearthrob? How would you feel if that was your husband and people were constantly saying those things about you? It isn't a life that I would want to live. (Mea Culpa Anne Hathaway.)
Also, take stock of the things that make you unique. What can you do that nobody else can do? Take those skills and develop those. Know how to make a killer batch of brownies? Take a baking class and learn how to make other things. So what if that greasy haired beyotch is now dating the love of your life. If he was really the love of your life, he'd still be with you. And you're too busy creating your pastry chef empire to notice.
It's human nature to be jealous every once in awhile, but it's not okay to let it control your life. So quit being so obsessed with the lives of others, and go get one! You'll be happy that you did.
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| In Death Becomes Her, Goldie and Meryl take their jealousy to the afterlife. |
That said, a small amount of jealousy can be good. If your friend is dating a great guy, you can use your jealousy as a signal to chuck the loser that borrows your car every weekend and find someone who treats you better. But extreme jealousy is unhealthy and can impede your ability to live a normal life. If you're always focused on people who have things that you want, you fail to take notice of the things that you have.
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| Single White Female - The ultimate cautionary tale |
So how do you get over it? Well, for one thing, cut yourself some slack. Everyone gets a different path to walk through on life. Just because someone has something you think you want doesn't mean that they get to be free from problems. Remember that people show what they want to the outside world, but there's often a lot underneath the surface that you don't get to see. That girl who you just trashed on the intenet message board just because she's married to "your" Hollywood hearthrob? How would you feel if that was your husband and people were constantly saying those things about you? It isn't a life that I would want to live. (Mea Culpa Anne Hathaway.)
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| Single White Female - Remixed and Remastered (The Roommate) |
It's human nature to be jealous every once in awhile, but it's not okay to let it control your life. So quit being so obsessed with the lives of others, and go get one! You'll be happy that you did.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Bride Wars
What is it about weddings that make women go off the deep end? From Bridezillas to Muriel's Wedding to Bride Wars, Hollywood has cashed in on the lengths that women will go to to have the perfect wedding. To be fair, not every woman that gets married goes off the deep end. Some women manage to be calm and collected throughout the planning process.
But this post isn't about them. It's about the anal retentive, stressed out crazy girls who morph from really nice people into monsters simply because someone put a ring on it. All of a sudden, her whole world revolves around hair stylists and flowers, dresses, cakes and photographers. Who's in, who's out, what's everyone wearing? It's exhausting.
While we're at it, let's talk about bridesmaids for a minute. More than a few friendships have been ruined over bridesmaids. Either someone's feelings are hurt because they aren't in the wedding, or someone feels like they've gone above and beyond the call of duty and haven't been acknowledged. Bridesmaids are expected to fork over tons of money for dresses, venues, parties and more. Every once in awhile, there will be a maid of honor who expects everyone to attend high class events, and let's face it... when you're young and starting out, there isn't always money for such things. (For a hilarious spin on this conundrum, check out the movie Bridesmaids.)
On the other hand, brides have to put up with a lot of shit too. From the jealous friend who wants to make sure that the spotlight is on her, to the family that has to weigh in on every little thing, life isn't always fine and dandy for the bride.
So what is the deal? When did all of the wedding mumbo jumbo get so out of hand? Was it Charles and Di, or did it happen before that? Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of love and a joining of families. When did it become necessary to spend a gajillion dollars for one day? Are we trying to one up each other? Are we trying to impress people?
Don't get so caught up in the day that you crumble into bride land and forget every single person around you. Make sure that you are still communicating with your friends about something other than your impending wedding. Ask them what's up with them once in awhile. Don't forget to take breaks from the planning and be the person you really are for a few hours a week.
And friends of the bride, this isn't about you. While it's okay to stick up for yourself if your bride is making you spend more than you feel comfortable with, don't criticize every decision. Better yet, if you know you can't afford to be a bridesmaid, turn her down. Just say, "Hey, I'm happy for you, but I don't have money to spend on a dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc." And if you're jealous because you aren't the one getting married. Swallow it. Now is not the time for you to get ugly. You don't have to show up to the wedding in a sexy dress and hook up with the groomsmen simply because you can.
Better yet, let's quit trying to outdo one another over a day. It's one day out of your entire life. Your focus should be on what comes afterwards, not being a pretty princess. Don't get married simply for the wedding. Make sure that your man is really the one that you want to have and to hold for better or worse, etc.
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| Liv and Emma in the aftermath of "it's all about me" |
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| The bride with the overzealous family |
On the other hand, brides have to put up with a lot of shit too. From the jealous friend who wants to make sure that the spotlight is on her, to the family that has to weigh in on every little thing, life isn't always fine and dandy for the bride.
So what is the deal? When did all of the wedding mumbo jumbo get so out of hand? Was it Charles and Di, or did it happen before that? Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of love and a joining of families. When did it become necessary to spend a gajillion dollars for one day? Are we trying to one up each other? Are we trying to impress people?
Don't get so caught up in the day that you crumble into bride land and forget every single person around you. Make sure that you are still communicating with your friends about something other than your impending wedding. Ask them what's up with them once in awhile. Don't forget to take breaks from the planning and be the person you really are for a few hours a week.
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| Oh Muriel. So desperate to get married that she finds a man in the paper. |
Better yet, let's quit trying to outdo one another over a day. It's one day out of your entire life. Your focus should be on what comes afterwards, not being a pretty princess. Don't get married simply for the wedding. Make sure that your man is really the one that you want to have and to hold for better or worse, etc.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Hungry Eyes
Here's one thing that you may not know about me. My day job involves working for an industry that promotes healthy, active living. I think this is great! Regualr exercise and healthy eating is good for the body and the soul. I know that when I don't eat properly, I feel sluggish, grumpy and less focused. And the same goes for exercise. When I work out regularly, I don't get sick as much, I sleep better and I get less severe PMS (TMI, I know, but it's a great side effect).
Why am I telling you all of this? Because, although I am an advocate of people being active and healthy, I think that our obsession with bodies in this country has gotten out of control. With the advent of HDTV, I can actually observe how thin some of the celebrities that we worship are, and to be honest, I think it's sort of gross. We live in a world where famous people and models alike are photo shopped beyond recognition on the covers of magazines. When someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt gains a few pounds and wears a size 6 (gasp!), people talk about how "fat" she is.
I used to be a wannabe actress and a promo ho. I know what it's like to walk into a place where people say you've got great legs, but your boobs are too small and you need a padded bra, stat! I've seen people who always want to lose 5 pounds, even though they look fine the way they are.
Although I am concerned about the growing obesity problem in the U.S., I'd really like to know who decided that skeletal = beautiful. We all know that men would rather look at Kim Kardashian, but women want to look like Pippa Middleton (who in my opinion has an incredibly boyish figure). Women spend money on breast and butt implants trying to look like Miss Kim K, but they are also logging miles on the treadmill to get into a bikini.
As a big girl, I think that it's okay if we don't fit into a specified mold. I know that at 5'4" with an athletic build (meaning that I tend to carry muscle and bulk up, not that I look like Misty May-Treanor), I am never going to look like Miranda Kerr. I am okay with this. I know what's realistic for my body type. I know what it looks like in peak condition. Do I still want to lose a few? Of course! I'm human, and I'm over 30, which means that my metabolism is slowing down, and it's not as easy to get back into a size 4 once you've let yourself go.
It's okay to give yourself a break. For giggles, log onto the Craigslist Personals section, if you dare (the posts can get raunchy, but they are highly entertaining). I guarantee that 90% of the "Men Seeking Women" describe themselves as "attractive" regardless of what they look like. Men don't fret over a spare tire or holiday weight. We need to stop doing this too.
My advice... Stop trying to lose weight. If you want to be active to have fun, be healthy and boost your energy levels, great! More power to you. But stop trying to fit into someone else's idea of how you should look and start liking yourself. Besides, when you finally accept yourself the way you are and quit fretting over how you look, you may be less inclined to indulge in emotional eating, shopping, drinking, etc. And that's always good!
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| J. Love, you were never fat |
I used to be a wannabe actress and a promo ho. I know what it's like to walk into a place where people say you've got great legs, but your boobs are too small and you need a padded bra, stat! I've seen people who always want to lose 5 pounds, even though they look fine the way they are.
Although I am concerned about the growing obesity problem in the U.S., I'd really like to know who decided that skeletal = beautiful. We all know that men would rather look at Kim Kardashian, but women want to look like Pippa Middleton (who in my opinion has an incredibly boyish figure). Women spend money on breast and butt implants trying to look like Miss Kim K, but they are also logging miles on the treadmill to get into a bikini.
As a big girl, I think that it's okay if we don't fit into a specified mold. I know that at 5'4" with an athletic build (meaning that I tend to carry muscle and bulk up, not that I look like Misty May-Treanor), I am never going to look like Miranda Kerr. I am okay with this. I know what's realistic for my body type. I know what it looks like in peak condition. Do I still want to lose a few? Of course! I'm human, and I'm over 30, which means that my metabolism is slowing down, and it's not as easy to get back into a size 4 once you've let yourself go.
It's okay to give yourself a break. For giggles, log onto the Craigslist Personals section, if you dare (the posts can get raunchy, but they are highly entertaining). I guarantee that 90% of the "Men Seeking Women" describe themselves as "attractive" regardless of what they look like. Men don't fret over a spare tire or holiday weight. We need to stop doing this too.
My advice... Stop trying to lose weight. If you want to be active to have fun, be healthy and boost your energy levels, great! More power to you. But stop trying to fit into someone else's idea of how you should look and start liking yourself. Besides, when you finally accept yourself the way you are and quit fretting over how you look, you may be less inclined to indulge in emotional eating, shopping, drinking, etc. And that's always good!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sometimes the Clothes do not Make the Man
Although we've all been told not to judge a book by its cover, most of us can't help it. When we meet people we tend to make snap decisions on whether or not we like them. For some of us, this can hinder our likelihood of getting to know the person, which could be a bad thing. A good portion of my current besties are people who I didn't like when I first met them.
How many of you are women who have a checklist in mind for a man? Be honest. (I'll be honest too. I fit the bill on this issue. I've got the perfect boyfriend in mind who is just the right combination of surfer boy meets GQ cover model, but I digress.) Does this checklist only involve superficial trates such as looks, manner of dress, job, etc.? This is typically Bad News Bears and a reason to examine the reasoning behind it.
I've always been somewhat of a commitment-phobe. When I was in my 20s, I was the girl who could find anything wrong with a date. I once rejected a perfectly good guy simply because his name was Blaine. I lined them up and subsequently knocked them down, always on the hunt for the bigger better deal. I must admit that I still have not gotten over this. As a big girl, I know that it's not very likely to find the perfect companion, but I'd still like to.
So why am I telling you what to do in this matter? Hopefully, some of you can learn from my mistakes. Rather than lining them up and knocking them down, maybe some of these guys should be given a shot. I know from experience that just because a guy has a million tattoos does not mean that he is a hard-partying douche stick. Maybe he is a perfectly nice guy who likes tattoos. You never know unless you give him a shot.
Although I am not completely successful in taking my own advice in this matter, I have gotten to the point where I no longer roll my eyes and act like a total beyotch to anyone that approaches me in a bar. Like a kitten who bites and scratches at any given moment, I have mellowed in my old age. And this matter has definitely caused me to seek out the deep seeded issues which must be overcome.
For my fellow commitment-phobes, the issues could run the gamut from Daddy issues, to low self esteem, to any number of issues. For me personally, the issue lies in a chance to experience everything that life has to offer. I want to see everything that there is to see and do everything that there is to do. I want to go out there and make all of my dreams come true, and I guess there is a small part of me who thinks that getting married would effectively put the kibosh on all of this. I don't want to be told what to do, how to spend my money, where to live, etc. I like not having to consult someone if I want to go on vacation. I guess you can call me selfish. Hopefully in the future, I can write to all of you about the confessions of a former ice queen.
How many of you are women who have a checklist in mind for a man? Be honest. (I'll be honest too. I fit the bill on this issue. I've got the perfect boyfriend in mind who is just the right combination of surfer boy meets GQ cover model, but I digress.) Does this checklist only involve superficial trates such as looks, manner of dress, job, etc.? This is typically Bad News Bears and a reason to examine the reasoning behind it.
I've always been somewhat of a commitment-phobe. When I was in my 20s, I was the girl who could find anything wrong with a date. I once rejected a perfectly good guy simply because his name was Blaine. I lined them up and subsequently knocked them down, always on the hunt for the bigger better deal. I must admit that I still have not gotten over this. As a big girl, I know that it's not very likely to find the perfect companion, but I'd still like to.
So why am I telling you what to do in this matter? Hopefully, some of you can learn from my mistakes. Rather than lining them up and knocking them down, maybe some of these guys should be given a shot. I know from experience that just because a guy has a million tattoos does not mean that he is a hard-partying douche stick. Maybe he is a perfectly nice guy who likes tattoos. You never know unless you give him a shot.
Although I am not completely successful in taking my own advice in this matter, I have gotten to the point where I no longer roll my eyes and act like a total beyotch to anyone that approaches me in a bar. Like a kitten who bites and scratches at any given moment, I have mellowed in my old age. And this matter has definitely caused me to seek out the deep seeded issues which must be overcome.
For my fellow commitment-phobes, the issues could run the gamut from Daddy issues, to low self esteem, to any number of issues. For me personally, the issue lies in a chance to experience everything that life has to offer. I want to see everything that there is to see and do everything that there is to do. I want to go out there and make all of my dreams come true, and I guess there is a small part of me who thinks that getting married would effectively put the kibosh on all of this. I don't want to be told what to do, how to spend my money, where to live, etc. I like not having to consult someone if I want to go on vacation. I guess you can call me selfish. Hopefully in the future, I can write to all of you about the confessions of a former ice queen.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Stuff, stuff and more stuff
As I have previously mentioned, one of my favorite movies ever is Confessions of a Shopaholic. There is one line in particular that speaks to me. A broken down Rebecca Bloomwood stands by a pond with her father (played by John Goodman) who offers to sell the trailer to help pay off her enormous debt. She says, "I'll kill you if you sell it. It totally defines you."
To which he replies, "Nothing defines me, except you and your mother."
Which brings me to the point. In the United States, it seems that we are completely obsessed with stuff. Everyone is always on the hunt for the bigger better deal. If your friend goes out and gets a Coach bag, the competitive cheerleader in all of us wants to go out and get a bigger one, or better yet, get a Louis Vuitton.
There's a new term on the streets called the $30,000 millionaire. We are so busy trying to keep up appearances that we are willing to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for it. Which begs the question: Is all that shit really worth it? I mean, what do you really have left over after you are done? A bunch of stuff and a lot more debt. What good is it to look like a baller in your Escalade if you can't even afford to buy groceries? Eating Ramen noodles every night just because you want the same kind of car as Diddy is stupid.
In fact, the economic crash of 2008 and subsequent uber-recession was due in part to people trying too hard to keep up with the Joneses. Was it worth it, America?
Thankfully, there are plenty of ways to stay chic and trendy without maxing out the credit cards.
1. Consignment Stores - One way to get your ass into the hottest jeans is to buy a pair that have already been discarded by someone else. (No, it's not gross. It's why they invented laundry detergent. Get over it.)
2. Fast fashion retailers - If a trend is only going to be in style for a season or two, why go into debt over it? Stores like Forever 21 and H&M sell cheap, chic items that probably won't be in style next year. (Like my totally awesome bandana top that I wore everywhere during the summer of 2001. I miss you, bandana top.) Although, out of respect to Mama Earth, please give these to GoodWill or recycle them when you are finished.
3. (And most importantly) Realize That Stuff Doesn't Make You. Strip away the clothes, shoes and makeup and you're still the same old you. It doesn't take anything to make you who you are. Embrace yourself, and learn to like yourself without all of your stuff. You'll be a lot happier when you're not wasting all of your money on credit card bills.
To which he replies, "Nothing defines me, except you and your mother."
Which brings me to the point. In the United States, it seems that we are completely obsessed with stuff. Everyone is always on the hunt for the bigger better deal. If your friend goes out and gets a Coach bag, the competitive cheerleader in all of us wants to go out and get a bigger one, or better yet, get a Louis Vuitton.
There's a new term on the streets called the $30,000 millionaire. We are so busy trying to keep up appearances that we are willing to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for it. Which begs the question: Is all that shit really worth it? I mean, what do you really have left over after you are done? A bunch of stuff and a lot more debt. What good is it to look like a baller in your Escalade if you can't even afford to buy groceries? Eating Ramen noodles every night just because you want the same kind of car as Diddy is stupid.
In fact, the economic crash of 2008 and subsequent uber-recession was due in part to people trying too hard to keep up with the Joneses. Was it worth it, America?
Thankfully, there are plenty of ways to stay chic and trendy without maxing out the credit cards.
1. Consignment Stores - One way to get your ass into the hottest jeans is to buy a pair that have already been discarded by someone else. (No, it's not gross. It's why they invented laundry detergent. Get over it.)
2. Fast fashion retailers - If a trend is only going to be in style for a season or two, why go into debt over it? Stores like Forever 21 and H&M sell cheap, chic items that probably won't be in style next year. (Like my totally awesome bandana top that I wore everywhere during the summer of 2001. I miss you, bandana top.) Although, out of respect to Mama Earth, please give these to GoodWill or recycle them when you are finished.
3. (And most importantly) Realize That Stuff Doesn't Make You. Strip away the clothes, shoes and makeup and you're still the same old you. It doesn't take anything to make you who you are. Embrace yourself, and learn to like yourself without all of your stuff. You'll be a lot happier when you're not wasting all of your money on credit card bills.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Fashion files
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| My kindred spirit |
Unlike Rebecca Bloomwood, however, I am perfectly capable of window shopping. I don't know why, but I find malls to be relaxing. I like to look at the mannequins to get fashion ideas and then look for similar items online or at consignment shops. I also like to sit and look at people. One of my new favorite old movies is Breakfast at Tiffany's. I think Holly explains it all when she says, "The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there."
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| My kindred part deux |
While I agree that they do look cute and stylish, their function is beyond me. It's like wearing a giant onesie. In general, I am opposed to clothing that makes it impossible to pee behind the bushes without exposing your tatas. Not that I routinely pee behind the bushes, but even the thought of peeing in a public restroom with my bra exposed sort of skeeves me out a bit.
I sometimes wonder if people actually like the trends that they wear, or if they just wear them to look cool. Like, if Victoria Beckham (who will always be Posh to me) were to wear a cardboard cereal box and call it fashion, would millions of people then run out and buy said cereal box?
When it comes to fashion, I prefer mixing timeless pieces with pieces that I know will look great on me. A good pear of boyfriend jeans, a classic black pencil skirt, a good business suit, etc. Okay, so I'll admit I've added four pairs of sky high stilettos to my shoe collection as of late, but you know how it is.
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| Miss Blair, I love thee most of all |
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Fake it Till You Make It?
In the United States, we've long had an obsession with being beautiful. From the time that we are little, we play with perfect dolls, read teen magazines with beautiful models and watch beautiful women on tv. We now live in an age when any perceived "flaw" can be changed. We also live in an age in which the women that we see in magazines are photoshopped to beauty standards that are unattainable for even the women in the photos.
I'm not knocking people who go in and get plastic surgery. I think that if there is something that you don't like about yourself and you have the power to change it, by all means, do it. I do, however, think that a lot of surgeons are irresponsible in who they are treating. I think that the pre-op consultation should come with a psych evaluation.
Here's the thing... A plastic surgeon's job is to help you be the best version of you that you can be. It is not to turn you into someone else. Not even the most skilled surgeon can make you look like Megan Fox unless you've already got similar bone structure. If you get too much surgery, you end up looking weird and plastic-y. And don't we all agree that natural beauty is much more appealing?
Think about it.
I'm not knocking people who go in and get plastic surgery. I think that if there is something that you don't like about yourself and you have the power to change it, by all means, do it. I do, however, think that a lot of surgeons are irresponsible in who they are treating. I think that the pre-op consultation should come with a psych evaluation.
Here's the thing... A plastic surgeon's job is to help you be the best version of you that you can be. It is not to turn you into someone else. Not even the most skilled surgeon can make you look like Megan Fox unless you've already got similar bone structure. If you get too much surgery, you end up looking weird and plastic-y. And don't we all agree that natural beauty is much more appealing?
Think about it.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Misappropriation of the word "literally"
I'm breaking free from the advice for a second to do a little venting, because I believe that big girls should have a common grasp of the English language (unless it is not your first language; in that case, you get a pass). While it's true that I have always been an exceptional English student, I still believe that it is courteous and polite to speak properly, especially in a professional setting.
I don't know if it is because of Rachel Zoe or what, but in the past few years, the word "literally" has become a filler word such as "like" or "uh." Nobody uses is correctly. I hear people say things like, "we were literally rolling on the floor," or "this team is literally on fire."
In fact this has become so commonplace that it was satirized on How I Met Your Mother in an episode regarding annoying habits. Here's an English lesson boys and girls.
I don't know if it is because of Rachel Zoe or what, but in the past few years, the word "literally" has become a filler word such as "like" or "uh." Nobody uses is correctly. I hear people say things like, "we were literally rolling on the floor," or "this team is literally on fire."
In fact this has become so commonplace that it was satirized on How I Met Your Mother in an episode regarding annoying habits. Here's an English lesson boys and girls.
lit·er·al·ly
[lit-er-uh-lee]
ər
–adverb
actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy.
The city was literally destroyed.
fig·ur·a·tive
adjective
of the nature of or involving a figure of speech, especially a metaphor; metaphorical; not literal: a figurative expression.
While I understand that it's not exactly polite to play the Grammar Nazi on a blog, I can't help it. I think that in the age of the 140 character thought - an age in which email has virtually replaced face-to-face communication, it's still important to be well spoken. People will take you more seriously.
For now, I would be okay with the literal, figurative issue. It's a start. A step in the right direction. Just don't get me started on apostrophes...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Men who talk funny
I'm not sure what it is, but the general consensus in my social circle is that men with foreign accents are hot. For some reason, hearing a man speak with an accent will up his hot factor by 50. Case in point - check out the men that everyone seems to agree on in terms of hotness:
Robert Pattinson (I in no way endorse this one personally.): Yes, we know. He's Edward, but then he speaks in his native British accent and women swoon even more. But let's face it. He's not really that good looking (at least not to me. Different strokes, I guess). Take R Patz and give him a different accent - say, Minnesotan - and I guarantee that his women quotient would drop by at least 20%. (That's not true; you'd have to take away the Twilight business too.)
Sean Connery: The quintessential ladies' man, Scottsman Connery has had us swooning for decades. Even women my age think that there is something sexy about the former Mr. Bond. It's definitely due in part to the way he says "shaken, not stirred." If he were from Texas, he'd be no different than any other silver fox.
Antonio Banderas: Okay, so we haven't heard anything from Antonio as of late, but in the 90's, he was hot, hot, hot. One Banderas moment that comes to mind is that part of the movie Four Rooms in which the oh-so-dapper Banderas, dressed to the nines in a black tux, looked at his kids and said, "Don't misbehave." Two words. It's all it took to make me giggle like a school girl.
Gilles Marini: Okay, so I only added this one for selfish reasons. He's really not that famous yet, but this Frenchman is tres hot. (Well, women who've seen the Sex and the City movie understand that this one is about more than the accent, but I digress.)
Orlando Bloom: Yet another one in which I can not see the appeal. I personally think that his face is very feminine. But he is English, which to girls in America obviously means he's gorgeous. Hmm. It's a mystery.
I could go on and on about foreign men who are super hot (Maks and Dmitry from Dancing with the Stars, Ryan Kwanten from True Blood, Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl - [don't judge me]) but that would ruin the point of this blog.
Point being, there is more to a man than the way he speaks. I'll admit that I too, am a sucker for foreign accents. But in reality, men are men regardless of where on the globe they hail from. If your personalities are incompatible, no amount of charm and personality can fix it. Plus, you have the added bonus of cultural differences to contend with. What happens when your Irish-born honey inadvertently offends your Grandma with his quirky sense of humor when you bring him to Thanksgiving dinner?
I'm not saying that you should never date foreign men. On the contrary. I think that the wider you expand your dating pool, the more likely you are to be successful. Just don't get lured in by the accent. When you find yourself on a date with a foreigner, ask yourself, "If this guy were from Arizona, would I like him as much?" If the answer is no, it's best to cut your losses and move on. If it is yes, then feel free to explore.
Robert Pattinson (I in no way endorse this one personally.): Yes, we know. He's Edward, but then he speaks in his native British accent and women swoon even more. But let's face it. He's not really that good looking (at least not to me. Different strokes, I guess). Take R Patz and give him a different accent - say, Minnesotan - and I guarantee that his women quotient would drop by at least 20%. (That's not true; you'd have to take away the Twilight business too.)
Sean Connery: The quintessential ladies' man, Scottsman Connery has had us swooning for decades. Even women my age think that there is something sexy about the former Mr. Bond. It's definitely due in part to the way he says "shaken, not stirred." If he were from Texas, he'd be no different than any other silver fox.
Antonio Banderas: Okay, so we haven't heard anything from Antonio as of late, but in the 90's, he was hot, hot, hot. One Banderas moment that comes to mind is that part of the movie Four Rooms in which the oh-so-dapper Banderas, dressed to the nines in a black tux, looked at his kids and said, "Don't misbehave." Two words. It's all it took to make me giggle like a school girl.
Gilles Marini: Okay, so I only added this one for selfish reasons. He's really not that famous yet, but this Frenchman is tres hot. (Well, women who've seen the Sex and the City movie understand that this one is about more than the accent, but I digress.)
Orlando Bloom: Yet another one in which I can not see the appeal. I personally think that his face is very feminine. But he is English, which to girls in America obviously means he's gorgeous. Hmm. It's a mystery.
I could go on and on about foreign men who are super hot (Maks and Dmitry from Dancing with the Stars, Ryan Kwanten from True Blood, Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl - [don't judge me]) but that would ruin the point of this blog.
Point being, there is more to a man than the way he speaks. I'll admit that I too, am a sucker for foreign accents. But in reality, men are men regardless of where on the globe they hail from. If your personalities are incompatible, no amount of charm and personality can fix it. Plus, you have the added bonus of cultural differences to contend with. What happens when your Irish-born honey inadvertently offends your Grandma with his quirky sense of humor when you bring him to Thanksgiving dinner?
I'm not saying that you should never date foreign men. On the contrary. I think that the wider you expand your dating pool, the more likely you are to be successful. Just don't get lured in by the accent. When you find yourself on a date with a foreigner, ask yourself, "If this guy were from Arizona, would I like him as much?" If the answer is no, it's best to cut your losses and move on. If it is yes, then feel free to explore.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
If I were Invisible
Funny thing happened on the way to the forum today. I was at the movies by myself, as I frequently enjoy seeing movies solo. I'm not sure if this was out of pity or what, but I got hit on by the guy at the candy counter who couldn't have been more than 22-years-old. Not to toot my own horn, but it's nice to know that I've still got it.
Anyway, this got me to thinking that even at 31-years-old, I am far from comfortable in my own skin. As a gangly teen, I was not exactly the belle of the ball. I was shy, a little awkward and somewhat weird looking with big glasses and braces. In a small school, I was not used to being looked at as a "hot chick." I was always just there.
Then, something miraculous happened. By college, I had gotten contacts, the braces were gone, and I grew into my face as it were. All of a sudden, people were paying attention to me. It was an odd, if not acceptable phenomenon that still boggles the mind to this day. While I will admit that this is preferable to peaking in high school, even as a big girl, I am still awkward and uncomfortable around members of the opposite sex. The residual taunting of my childhood has led me to feel that it's impossible that people are really looking at me.
There are advantages to suffering from Ugly Duckling Syndrome. For one thing, when you can't get by on your looks, you are forced to develop a personality. As a result, I have a brain and a fantastic sense of humor. This leaves you as a full package. A woman who is hot and sexy, but still down to earth and relatable.
The problem with a lot of us Ugly Ducklings is that we still suffer from the crippling insecurity that plagued us in childhood. It's sort of like when someone who weighs 300 pounds gets thin. On the outside, they appear to have it together, but there is still an obese person inside. It takes awhile for the insides to match the outsides. When we aren't used to being the prom queen, we tend to shrivel up and hide when someone pays us any mind.
Well, my fellow Duckings, I am here to tell you that it can get easier. It can be tricky to untie the knots of psychological damage done in high school, but remember that you are a big girl now. You're not Josie Grossy anymore. Please, I implore you, whatever you're feeling on the inside, know that the opposite is true. You aren't that gangly, awkward girl anymore. Nobody's going to drop pig blood on you if you agree to go on a date with the cute guy. Besides, at least you didn't peak in high school.
Anyway, this got me to thinking that even at 31-years-old, I am far from comfortable in my own skin. As a gangly teen, I was not exactly the belle of the ball. I was shy, a little awkward and somewhat weird looking with big glasses and braces. In a small school, I was not used to being looked at as a "hot chick." I was always just there.
Then, something miraculous happened. By college, I had gotten contacts, the braces were gone, and I grew into my face as it were. All of a sudden, people were paying attention to me. It was an odd, if not acceptable phenomenon that still boggles the mind to this day. While I will admit that this is preferable to peaking in high school, even as a big girl, I am still awkward and uncomfortable around members of the opposite sex. The residual taunting of my childhood has led me to feel that it's impossible that people are really looking at me.
There are advantages to suffering from Ugly Duckling Syndrome. For one thing, when you can't get by on your looks, you are forced to develop a personality. As a result, I have a brain and a fantastic sense of humor. This leaves you as a full package. A woman who is hot and sexy, but still down to earth and relatable.
The problem with a lot of us Ugly Ducklings is that we still suffer from the crippling insecurity that plagued us in childhood. It's sort of like when someone who weighs 300 pounds gets thin. On the outside, they appear to have it together, but there is still an obese person inside. It takes awhile for the insides to match the outsides. When we aren't used to being the prom queen, we tend to shrivel up and hide when someone pays us any mind.
Well, my fellow Duckings, I am here to tell you that it can get easier. It can be tricky to untie the knots of psychological damage done in high school, but remember that you are a big girl now. You're not Josie Grossy anymore. Please, I implore you, whatever you're feeling on the inside, know that the opposite is true. You aren't that gangly, awkward girl anymore. Nobody's going to drop pig blood on you if you agree to go on a date with the cute guy. Besides, at least you didn't peak in high school.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Where dem girls talking trash?
Remember back when you were in high school? You'd walk into a room and the talking would get very hushed and you would slowly realize that the people in the room were just talking about you. "Things will be so much better when I am an adult," you'd think. Well, I've got news for you. I'm afraid that trash talking does not end when you get your diploma.
With blogs such as Perezhilton.com and rags such as US Weekly all the rage, it seems that we are addicted to gossip. I'm not sure whether it's insecurity or a lack of better material, but there comes a time in everyone's life in which he or she will be the subject of conversation.
If you try to be polite and not ruffle any feathers, you are branded an ass kisser. If you move through an organization too quickly, everyone thinks you slept with the boss. Grabbing too many lunches with your platonic cube mate? He must be cheating on his wife with you. It's inevitable. Even the most unassuming office drone eventually becomes the topic of conversation at some point.
Short of quitting your job, what do you do? Most of the time it's easiest to just let it roll off of your back until the subject has changed and you are no longer the topic of conversation. But what happens when the gossip is so bad that it's uncomfortable to go to work? Try approaching the talkers and see if you can work it out. If they won't stop mouth running, it's best to get HR involved. Work is work and there is no reason that the atmosphere should be tense.
If you work for a big company, try and find a position in another department. If that isn't an option, it may be best to find a new job altogether. There is no reason for bullying in the adult world. So if you catch yourself joining in on the trash talking, just imagine what it's like to be on the other side, and knock it off. After all, this isn't high school.
With blogs such as Perezhilton.com and rags such as US Weekly all the rage, it seems that we are addicted to gossip. I'm not sure whether it's insecurity or a lack of better material, but there comes a time in everyone's life in which he or she will be the subject of conversation.
If you try to be polite and not ruffle any feathers, you are branded an ass kisser. If you move through an organization too quickly, everyone thinks you slept with the boss. Grabbing too many lunches with your platonic cube mate? He must be cheating on his wife with you. It's inevitable. Even the most unassuming office drone eventually becomes the topic of conversation at some point.
Short of quitting your job, what do you do? Most of the time it's easiest to just let it roll off of your back until the subject has changed and you are no longer the topic of conversation. But what happens when the gossip is so bad that it's uncomfortable to go to work? Try approaching the talkers and see if you can work it out. If they won't stop mouth running, it's best to get HR involved. Work is work and there is no reason that the atmosphere should be tense.
If you work for a big company, try and find a position in another department. If that isn't an option, it may be best to find a new job altogether. There is no reason for bullying in the adult world. So if you catch yourself joining in on the trash talking, just imagine what it's like to be on the other side, and knock it off. After all, this isn't high school.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking...
Recently, I was watching an episode of Sex in the City in which the newly converted (and recently single) Charlotte goes to the temple in search of a nice Jewish man to replace Harry. There was a moment in the episode in which a dejected Charlotte says, "I don't just want any Jew, I want MY Jew." (Or something to that effect.)
I think that this happens more often than people realize. Yes it's true that some people have a type, but how often do we go out in search of an exact clone of the person that just broke our heart? How often do we project all of our hopes and aspirations for a relationship gone awry onto a new person simply because they slightly resemble a love of yore?
I've always said that it would be nice if men were like cars. There should be a website in which you can customize your beau and endow him with all of the features that you ever wanted in a guy. Isn't that how Stephenie Meyer created the fictitious Edward Cullen? Well, as ideal as it may be, much like the fictional Edward Cullen, a "perfect" man would never keep you on your toes. He would get stale and boring very quickly.
Life is all about appreciating the drama. After all, you can't experience the highs without the lows. And my point to this posting is that nobody is 100% replaceable. Try as you might, there is no way to turn Clone Ronnie into Real Ronnie. If you try too hard to replace the one that you are pining for, you risk heartbreak all over again - both for you and your new man.
Remember that even identical twins do not have the same personalities. Even if you find someone who resembles your former flame in the physical sense, you can't expect them to act the same way as well, nor can you expect that they will make you feel the same. My advice to anyone that is struggling with a love gone awry is to take some time and heal from it. Don't go to the temple looking to snag yourself a new Jew. Either repair what was wrong with the old one, or go on a new path entirely.
I think that this happens more often than people realize. Yes it's true that some people have a type, but how often do we go out in search of an exact clone of the person that just broke our heart? How often do we project all of our hopes and aspirations for a relationship gone awry onto a new person simply because they slightly resemble a love of yore?
I've always said that it would be nice if men were like cars. There should be a website in which you can customize your beau and endow him with all of the features that you ever wanted in a guy. Isn't that how Stephenie Meyer created the fictitious Edward Cullen? Well, as ideal as it may be, much like the fictional Edward Cullen, a "perfect" man would never keep you on your toes. He would get stale and boring very quickly.
Life is all about appreciating the drama. After all, you can't experience the highs without the lows. And my point to this posting is that nobody is 100% replaceable. Try as you might, there is no way to turn Clone Ronnie into Real Ronnie. If you try too hard to replace the one that you are pining for, you risk heartbreak all over again - both for you and your new man.
Remember that even identical twins do not have the same personalities. Even if you find someone who resembles your former flame in the physical sense, you can't expect them to act the same way as well, nor can you expect that they will make you feel the same. My advice to anyone that is struggling with a love gone awry is to take some time and heal from it. Don't go to the temple looking to snag yourself a new Jew. Either repair what was wrong with the old one, or go on a new path entirely.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Yep. Song lyrics provide the best titles. Which brings me to... my point. The first time I heard that song, I cried like a baby. Because we've all been there. The one that got away, the one you can't get over, the one that you haven't met yet. We have all spent a little too much time with a bottle of wine on a Saturday night and have felt that old feeling. The urge to reach out and touch someone.
If smart phones were smart, they would come equipped with a breathalyzer that automatically blocked your phone from dialing anoyone but a cab or 911 when you had a high BAC. But until some dude from MIT invents an app for that, we are left to self monitor, which is rarely successful.
As a big girl, I have made my fair share of drunk phone calls at 3 am. And I have done the drunk text. These days, such calls and texts are limited to my girl friends who usually make fun of me the next day, but I have pretty much canned the crazy when it comes to guys. And here is why.
Drunk dials aren't endearing. If a guy takes you up on your drunk dial, then you are usually left picking up the pieces the next day. Instead of feeling gratification and empowerment, the next day often comes with a hangover and a feeling of complete and total self loathing. They don't call it the Walk of Shame for nothing. (Unless you're into that sort of thing. Then you go get yours, sista! I'm not judging.)
Drunk dials aren't cute. As Greg Behrendt states in his book, He's Just Not That Into You, if a guy isn't calling you, he probably doesn't want to. This doesn't go for all men, of course, but it's a good rule of thumb. And those misspelled ramblings at 3 am aren't going to open his eyes to what a wonderful person you are. (You are wonderful. If a guy can't see that, then move on.)
Drunk dials aren't going to make him come running back/to you. As mentioned above, this is not the way to win the affections of a romance gone awry. These things go sour for a reason, and although booze can make for great nostalgia, you're probably sugar coating all of the awful things about this person. Like the fact that he made fun of your awesome new hat, or the fact that he hasn't read a book since the seventh grade.
My point is that it's never okay to drink dial. More often than not it leads to a tear in your beer. So do us all a favor and hang up the phone. Give it to a trusted friend for safe keeping. Otherwise you'll end up like me - tweeting from a bathroom at 1am. Ah good times.
If smart phones were smart, they would come equipped with a breathalyzer that automatically blocked your phone from dialing anoyone but a cab or 911 when you had a high BAC. But until some dude from MIT invents an app for that, we are left to self monitor, which is rarely successful.
As a big girl, I have made my fair share of drunk phone calls at 3 am. And I have done the drunk text. These days, such calls and texts are limited to my girl friends who usually make fun of me the next day, but I have pretty much canned the crazy when it comes to guys. And here is why.
Drunk dials aren't endearing. If a guy takes you up on your drunk dial, then you are usually left picking up the pieces the next day. Instead of feeling gratification and empowerment, the next day often comes with a hangover and a feeling of complete and total self loathing. They don't call it the Walk of Shame for nothing. (Unless you're into that sort of thing. Then you go get yours, sista! I'm not judging.)
Drunk dials aren't cute. As Greg Behrendt states in his book, He's Just Not That Into You, if a guy isn't calling you, he probably doesn't want to. This doesn't go for all men, of course, but it's a good rule of thumb. And those misspelled ramblings at 3 am aren't going to open his eyes to what a wonderful person you are. (You are wonderful. If a guy can't see that, then move on.)
Drunk dials aren't going to make him come running back/to you. As mentioned above, this is not the way to win the affections of a romance gone awry. These things go sour for a reason, and although booze can make for great nostalgia, you're probably sugar coating all of the awful things about this person. Like the fact that he made fun of your awesome new hat, or the fact that he hasn't read a book since the seventh grade.
My point is that it's never okay to drink dial. More often than not it leads to a tear in your beer. So do us all a favor and hang up the phone. Give it to a trusted friend for safe keeping. Otherwise you'll end up like me - tweeting from a bathroom at 1am. Ah good times.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Just the Way You Are
Unlike many Americans, I still listen to the radio on the regular. With the invention of in car audio options such as CD and mp3 players and online streaming sites that customize music, radio is no longer the belle of the ball. I like the radio. I'm a creature of habit, and my morning and afternoon routines involve my favorite DJ's bantering back and forth with their listeners.
Unfortunately, this means that I am subjected to listening to the same 10 songs over and over on every station. One song that is on heavy rotation at this point in time is "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. While I admit that the sentiment is sweet, the song lyrics annoy me. A lot.
There is a line in the song that states, "I know when I compliment her she won't believe me," and later, "Her laugh she hates but I think it's so sexy." I think that this song speaks to far too many women in the US, and I need to say - STOP IT!!!
This self degradation is all too commonplace, and although Bruno Mars may think it's cute, your best girlfriends think it's highly obnoxious (well, not all of them. Most of them are probably guilty of it as well). Why do we as women find it so hard to take a compliment? And conversely, why do we feel the need to fish for them? ("oh no, you look amazing in those jeans." "Really? I had two mochaccinos. I'm totally fat." "No you're not!" blah, blah, BLEH!!)
It's time for us to quit bonding over self loathing. (I too am guilty of this, btw.) Next time you feel the need to put yourself down, flip the script and pay yourself a compliment. Do you spend time harping on your unbouncy hair? Get a teasing comb and some root lifter and tell yourself how pretty your eyes are instead. Find at least ten things that you like about yourself, and use these as your go-to compliments until you've successfully flogged the negative nelly right out of your head.
Learn how to take a compliment as well. When someone says you look pretty, just say thank you. They won't think that you're snooty, arrogant, or self centered if you are sincere. It's okay to acknowledge that you agree.
Self acceptance breeds confidence which helps improve every aspect of our lives. Come on girls - let's really give Bruno something to think about, because we are all amazing - Just the Way We Are (YEAH!)
Unfortunately, this means that I am subjected to listening to the same 10 songs over and over on every station. One song that is on heavy rotation at this point in time is "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. While I admit that the sentiment is sweet, the song lyrics annoy me. A lot.
There is a line in the song that states, "I know when I compliment her she won't believe me," and later, "Her laugh she hates but I think it's so sexy." I think that this song speaks to far too many women in the US, and I need to say - STOP IT!!!
This self degradation is all too commonplace, and although Bruno Mars may think it's cute, your best girlfriends think it's highly obnoxious (well, not all of them. Most of them are probably guilty of it as well). Why do we as women find it so hard to take a compliment? And conversely, why do we feel the need to fish for them? ("oh no, you look amazing in those jeans." "Really? I had two mochaccinos. I'm totally fat." "No you're not!" blah, blah, BLEH!!)
It's time for us to quit bonding over self loathing. (I too am guilty of this, btw.) Next time you feel the need to put yourself down, flip the script and pay yourself a compliment. Do you spend time harping on your unbouncy hair? Get a teasing comb and some root lifter and tell yourself how pretty your eyes are instead. Find at least ten things that you like about yourself, and use these as your go-to compliments until you've successfully flogged the negative nelly right out of your head.
Learn how to take a compliment as well. When someone says you look pretty, just say thank you. They won't think that you're snooty, arrogant, or self centered if you are sincere. It's okay to acknowledge that you agree.
Self acceptance breeds confidence which helps improve every aspect of our lives. Come on girls - let's really give Bruno something to think about, because we are all amazing - Just the Way We Are (YEAH!)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Work it - Own it
As a big girl, it is important to start owning your life decisions, and this includes the bad ones. There comes a time when we all need to be held accountable for our lives. "It's not my fault," is one of the most wretched phrases to ever grace the English language. Almost everything in your life is at least partially your fault. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control - like being blindsided in an intersection because some fool is texting and driving. But most of the things in our life are attributable to us.
For example, if you are currently working in a job that you hate, it's up to you to fix it. You are the one who accepted the job, and you are the one that is reaping the consequences. Yes, I know that there are bills to pay and obligations to be met. But no situation is permanent. Use your daily discord to identify what it is you really want to do. We have to spend approximately 45-50 years of our lives working, and there's no use being miserable on a daily basis. Take an assessment of what you like, what inspires you and transferable skills and change your career. Find out what it takes to make this a reality and do it. No excuses.
If leaving your job is really not a reality at this time, it's up to you to change your reaction to it. Find extracurricular activites that you love. The more your free time is occupied with things that you are passionate about, the easier it is to toil away at a less than perfect job. Get a journal and write down things that you appreciate about your job. There's got to be at least one thing that you like. Is it your coworkers? Your industry? People that you meet everyday? Write these things on a sticky note if you have to.
Next, if you really want a boyfriend, then it's up to you to make it happen! (But there's no good men out there; all the good ones are taken; I'll never find anyone as good as my ex; blah, blah blah. I've used every exuse in the book. You don't get my sympathy.) Although, I will preface this by saying that you need to unpack your bags before you can have a healthy relationship. If you keep attracting douchebags, you need to figure out why and clear the old "issues" out of your life. You can only attract a healthy relationship if you are in a healthy state of mind. Otherwise, all of the good ones will eventually be driven away by your neediness, clinginess, jealousy, coldness, daddy issues, etc.
One you've unloaded your baggage, go out and mingle! Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to meet people in other places than a bar or on dating websites (although it is trickier in a smaller location). My main advice is to stop looking and go places you enjoy. If you are outdoorsy, join a hiking group or an outside workout class such as bootcamp or a coed, adult sports league. If you love art, take a painting class, or attend some lectures at the art museum. Catch my drift? Doing things that you enjoy puts you in an environment to meet people who share common interests. You need to get out there and do things. Mr. Right is not going to knock on your door while you are at home in your pj's eating cookie dough ice cream and watching season 1 of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix (although the guys in TVD are pretty hot). They invented DVR so that we could all go out and have lives.
Being accountable is tough and it takes practice. For this reason, enlist some good friends to help you stick to it. Make lists of smaller steps that you can take to achieve your goals. And for the love of Pete, please own the fact that you are responsible for your life. Don't play the blame game. Don't employ the green-eyed monster. Other people may have things that you want, but you don't know their circumstances. Maybe they worked day and night to get where they are. Maybe their "charmed" life includes parents who they never talk to. Maybe their "perfect" marriage isn't as perfect as you think it is. We all have our own lots in life. Your life is yours, so own it.
For example, if you are currently working in a job that you hate, it's up to you to fix it. You are the one who accepted the job, and you are the one that is reaping the consequences. Yes, I know that there are bills to pay and obligations to be met. But no situation is permanent. Use your daily discord to identify what it is you really want to do. We have to spend approximately 45-50 years of our lives working, and there's no use being miserable on a daily basis. Take an assessment of what you like, what inspires you and transferable skills and change your career. Find out what it takes to make this a reality and do it. No excuses.
If leaving your job is really not a reality at this time, it's up to you to change your reaction to it. Find extracurricular activites that you love. The more your free time is occupied with things that you are passionate about, the easier it is to toil away at a less than perfect job. Get a journal and write down things that you appreciate about your job. There's got to be at least one thing that you like. Is it your coworkers? Your industry? People that you meet everyday? Write these things on a sticky note if you have to.
Next, if you really want a boyfriend, then it's up to you to make it happen! (But there's no good men out there; all the good ones are taken; I'll never find anyone as good as my ex; blah, blah blah. I've used every exuse in the book. You don't get my sympathy.) Although, I will preface this by saying that you need to unpack your bags before you can have a healthy relationship. If you keep attracting douchebags, you need to figure out why and clear the old "issues" out of your life. You can only attract a healthy relationship if you are in a healthy state of mind. Otherwise, all of the good ones will eventually be driven away by your neediness, clinginess, jealousy, coldness, daddy issues, etc.
One you've unloaded your baggage, go out and mingle! Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to meet people in other places than a bar or on dating websites (although it is trickier in a smaller location). My main advice is to stop looking and go places you enjoy. If you are outdoorsy, join a hiking group or an outside workout class such as bootcamp or a coed, adult sports league. If you love art, take a painting class, or attend some lectures at the art museum. Catch my drift? Doing things that you enjoy puts you in an environment to meet people who share common interests. You need to get out there and do things. Mr. Right is not going to knock on your door while you are at home in your pj's eating cookie dough ice cream and watching season 1 of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix (although the guys in TVD are pretty hot). They invented DVR so that we could all go out and have lives.
Being accountable is tough and it takes practice. For this reason, enlist some good friends to help you stick to it. Make lists of smaller steps that you can take to achieve your goals. And for the love of Pete, please own the fact that you are responsible for your life. Don't play the blame game. Don't employ the green-eyed monster. Other people may have things that you want, but you don't know their circumstances. Maybe they worked day and night to get where they are. Maybe their "charmed" life includes parents who they never talk to. Maybe their "perfect" marriage isn't as perfect as you think it is. We all have our own lots in life. Your life is yours, so own it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Great Mommy Debate
As a single, childless woman who is getting "up there" in years, I am pretty sure that I don't want to have kids. Ever. It's not that I hate kids, I just can't picture myself raising them. I don't know that I have what it takes to do the mom job and do it well. I know that if I have them, I'll figure it out like so many before me, but I just don't know that it's a path I want to go down.
I am in my 30's now, and have noticed that there seems to be an unspoken rift in the world between women who have children and women who don't. Not every circle of friends is like this. My social circle functions smoothly and is comprised of moms and non moms who coexist in peace and harmony - most of the time. But I've seen women ditch their friends when they get pregnant. Conversely, I've seen mothers who look at the childless with a sense of pity. And I wonder to myself - why is there all of this animosity between moms and non moms? There is absolutely no reason that it should be this way.
The first lesson that Big Girl Panties is teaching is to get along! We are women, we should be ganging up on men, not on each other!
For the childless, know this:
1. Your friend who just had her first kid is scared shitless. She second guesses herself at every turn and wonders whether or not she is about to give her kid ebola/rabies/psycological trauma, etc. I know you miss your party friend, but she's in a new phase of life at the moment (and when the kids are older, party mom may just rear her head again for occasional old times).
2. She hasn't been getting a lot of sleep. Her new child doesn't care that she needs 8 hours of sleep to function. It will cry and wish to be fed whenever it wants. Cut her some slack.
3. Your friend who has lots of kids doesn't really have a lot of time on her hands. She's got a lot of stuff going on. She isn't intentionally ignoring your calls. It's really tough to get to the phone when she is standing in the middle of the grocery store and Billy is screaming "shit!" at the top of his lungs.
4. Just cause your friend is a mom doesn't mean that she's no longer fun. Invite her out once in awhile. She could use the grown up time.
For the moms, know this:
1. Your childless friend loves your kid, but she doesn't want to talk about it all the time. I know that you think her new nail polish, cooking class, trip to Europe pails in comparison to Billy screaming "shit!" at the top of his lungs at the grocery store, but these things mean something to her. Listen.
2. Some women don't look at not having kids as a failure. Some women are childless by choice. Please don't ask her, "so when are you having kids?" This question makes her skin crawl. (Unless she wants them, just not right now. Then the question is more of a mild annoyance. Don't ask it.)
3. Your single friend doesn't really want to meet every single friend that your husband has. Please stop trying to pair her off. Things will move along on their own.
There really isn't any reason that we can't all get along. Think of it this way - if you're a mom with childless friends, you have a plethora of babysitters at your disposal (just be considerate and don't ask all the time). You've got people who care about you, and by extension care about your kids. And one more thing: we love you, and we love your kids, but we never want you to lose yourself. Hang out with us and remind yourself who you used to be once in awhile. Me time = more productive mommy time.
If you're a childless woman with mom friends, this is for you - you never have to discipline the kids. You can give them cake for dinner and let them go to bed at 10. You don't have to yell at them. You always have an excuse to like Justin Beiber, Selena Gomez and Wizards of Waverly Place.
As long as we are all willing to respect each other's life choices with an air of mutual respect, we can all coexist in peace and harmony. Remember that other people's choices may be different, but that doesn't make them wrong. Just respect your friends for who they are. And keep a diverse mix.
I am in my 30's now, and have noticed that there seems to be an unspoken rift in the world between women who have children and women who don't. Not every circle of friends is like this. My social circle functions smoothly and is comprised of moms and non moms who coexist in peace and harmony - most of the time. But I've seen women ditch their friends when they get pregnant. Conversely, I've seen mothers who look at the childless with a sense of pity. And I wonder to myself - why is there all of this animosity between moms and non moms? There is absolutely no reason that it should be this way.
The first lesson that Big Girl Panties is teaching is to get along! We are women, we should be ganging up on men, not on each other!
For the childless, know this:
1. Your friend who just had her first kid is scared shitless. She second guesses herself at every turn and wonders whether or not she is about to give her kid ebola/rabies/psycological trauma, etc. I know you miss your party friend, but she's in a new phase of life at the moment (and when the kids are older, party mom may just rear her head again for occasional old times).
2. She hasn't been getting a lot of sleep. Her new child doesn't care that she needs 8 hours of sleep to function. It will cry and wish to be fed whenever it wants. Cut her some slack.
3. Your friend who has lots of kids doesn't really have a lot of time on her hands. She's got a lot of stuff going on. She isn't intentionally ignoring your calls. It's really tough to get to the phone when she is standing in the middle of the grocery store and Billy is screaming "shit!" at the top of his lungs.
4. Just cause your friend is a mom doesn't mean that she's no longer fun. Invite her out once in awhile. She could use the grown up time.
For the moms, know this:
1. Your childless friend loves your kid, but she doesn't want to talk about it all the time. I know that you think her new nail polish, cooking class, trip to Europe pails in comparison to Billy screaming "shit!" at the top of his lungs at the grocery store, but these things mean something to her. Listen.
2. Some women don't look at not having kids as a failure. Some women are childless by choice. Please don't ask her, "so when are you having kids?" This question makes her skin crawl. (Unless she wants them, just not right now. Then the question is more of a mild annoyance. Don't ask it.)
3. Your single friend doesn't really want to meet every single friend that your husband has. Please stop trying to pair her off. Things will move along on their own.
There really isn't any reason that we can't all get along. Think of it this way - if you're a mom with childless friends, you have a plethora of babysitters at your disposal (just be considerate and don't ask all the time). You've got people who care about you, and by extension care about your kids. And one more thing: we love you, and we love your kids, but we never want you to lose yourself. Hang out with us and remind yourself who you used to be once in awhile. Me time = more productive mommy time.
If you're a childless woman with mom friends, this is for you - you never have to discipline the kids. You can give them cake for dinner and let them go to bed at 10. You don't have to yell at them. You always have an excuse to like Justin Beiber, Selena Gomez and Wizards of Waverly Place.
As long as we are all willing to respect each other's life choices with an air of mutual respect, we can all coexist in peace and harmony. Remember that other people's choices may be different, but that doesn't make them wrong. Just respect your friends for who they are. And keep a diverse mix.
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