Once upon a time...

As little girls, we were always told some variation of the same story. Damsel in distress is rescued by the handsome prince and they get married and live happily ever after. As we got older, this theme was not-so-subtly parroted by the movies we came to know and love. Remember that part in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere "rescues" Julia Roberts from the tower? Bleh. Or how about when Jack rescues Rose from her awful princess existence on Titanic. Okay, so that is different, because he dies, and they don't live happily ever after. I digress. I will not even begin to expound on Edward Cullen, except to say that millions of women around the world have fallen in love with a fictional character.

Then there is the old standby - the Romantic Comedy. These aren't as formulaic and easy to break down, but suffice it to say that they are still selling us the "every girl can get the perfect guy," fantasy. Like, he just lives down the street and is going to bump into you someday with his shirt off and his 12-pack glistening in the sun as he offers to help you move your couch/stereo/heavy box, etc.

I have to admit that even as I settle into my 30s and drift ever closer to the 34-43 box, I am still looking for the total package. Call me shallow, but I want someone who is perfect for me with a great personality who brings out the best qualities in me wrapped up in a pretty package. Yes, I know that it is giving in to the fantasy of it all, but I can't help it. I know that being super picky limits options, and it might be severely limiting my dating pool, but I don't care. Hand me a Joe Manganiello clone with a sense of humor like Jimmy Fallon and some brains, and I will be happy.

Although I do realize that these are unrealistic expectations. And guess what? When you find that guy, he won't be perfect. After the honeymoon phase wanes and you've lived together for awhile, there will be issues. He's going to leave his dirty undies on the floor. He's still gonna tear up the bathroom on occasion. He's still gonna be hanging out with his friends and playing video games on the couch when you want to have one on one time. He might burn dinner once in awhile or not be psychic enough to know what's wrong when you say "fine."

Guys are guys. "Perfect" doesn't exist. Edward Cullen isn't out there. Now, I'm not saying that you need to completely lower your standards. You don't have to date a guy who sponges off of you while he's waiting for his band to make it. You don't need someone who puts you down, or makes you feel bad about yourself. And lastly, you simply don't NEED a guy to complete you. Find someone who brings out your best qualities and make him yours. But don't rely on him for your own self esteem. Do your own shit and take care of yourself. Then and only then can you find the "perfect" relationship. But remember to cut him some slack too.

Got my Drunk Text on, I'll Regret it in the Morning...

With the advent of social media coupled with the rise of the smartphone, the world is at our fingertips. Media such a Facebook mobile and Twitter allow us to talk to complete strangers across the world whenever we want. Gone are the days in which you had to call a guy and hang up on him 400 times before you had the guts to actually talk to him. Now you can type what you wanted to say with the click of a button.

As with many a technology, smart phones and alcohol DO NOT mix. How many times have you looked at your phone the night after a party, scrolled through your texts and remorsefully figured out a way to apologize for all the things you texted/tweeted? Tequila induced texts can range from the somewhat embarrassing (like telling your cute coworker how great his butt looks in those jeans he always wears) to the down-right crazy (like telling your ex that you're going to kidnap his dog).

It's generally not a good idea to go out drinking when you're sad or upset over something or someone, because alcohol usually intensifies this effect. What ends up happening is that you either fall victim to that guy who always calls you at 3 am, but won't take you to the movies, or you get flat out rejected and end up feeling like an asshole.

We as ladies need to wake up to the fact that drunk texts/calls don't make us look cuter or more desirable. He's not going to look at your misspelled, incoherent rant and all of a sudden realize what a mistake he made by not dating you. Drunk dialing/texting isn't cute, funny or sexy. If someone would invent an app that would lock your phone when you hit a certain blood alcohol level, it would be widely welcomed by people everywhere. Then we wouldn't have to figure out how to explain what we were trying to say to you last night.

A good rule to abide by is to get your friend to take custody of your phone while you're out. That way you won't be tempted to reach out and touch the world. And you won't have to wake up and delete all of your tweets in the a.m.

¡Viva la musica!

According to an August 2011 article in Medical News Today, musical therapy can be used in combination with other treatments to treat depression. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Because I know it for a fact to be true. No matter how upset I am with the world, the right song can lift my spirits and make me instantly happy.

Whether it's a timeless classic such as "Love Train" by the O'Jays (don't laugh, it's a chipper song) or a recent fave such as "Telling the World" by Taio Cruz, whenever I hear certain songs, I am instantly snapped from a funk. This is important in stressful situations, such as traffic jams. When I am in the car, I have a tendency to swear like a sailor, blaze my horn, and my blood pressure rises significantly. Now matter how much time I have to get where I am going, people just piss me off. Until I throw in a good sing along jam.

I guess the point that I am making is that life is short, and there is no reason to sweat the small stuff. I mean, who wants to be on their deathbed thinking about all of the people that they flipped off on the freeway? I, for one, plan on being exhausted and looking back at all of my happy times. And I will most definitely be listening to "Love Train."

Hey Jealousy

If you read internet message boards, and gossip rags, you'll notice that the world is full of meanies. Everytime someone criticizes an actress/singer/model, fangirls and boys always jump to their defense by saying, "you're just jealous." While I maintain that I have the right to think that certain people are simply annoying (ahem Anne Hathaway), I know that there is some truth to this jab.

In Death Becomes Her, Goldie and Meryl take their
jealousy to the afterlife.

There's a reason that envy is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. There is a reason that people consumed with jealousy are referred to as, "green eyed monsters." And yes, there is a reason that nobody wants to be in a relationship with a person who is jealous. Jealousy often goes hand in hand with insecurity, and it can make you do terrible things. Like trash talk people that you don't even know, stalk your ex boyfriend over the internet and even hurt people if you really have a screw loose.

That said, a small amount of jealousy can be good. If your friend is dating a great guy, you can use your jealousy as a signal to chuck the loser that borrows your car every weekend and find someone who treats you better. But extreme jealousy is unhealthy and can impede your ability to live a normal life. If you're always focused on people who have things that you want, you fail to take notice of the things that you have.

Single White Female - The ultimate cautionary tale

As a person who has experienced my fair share of envy, I can say that although it is a hard habit to break, life is better when you don't compare yourself to other people. Jealousy can make you do and say horrible things, and in the end, it's really a waste of time and energy.

So how do you get over it? Well, for one thing, cut yourself some slack. Everyone gets a different path to walk through on life. Just because someone has something you think you want doesn't mean that they get to be free from problems. Remember that people show what they want to the outside world, but there's often a lot underneath the surface that you don't get to see. That girl who you just trashed on the intenet message board just because she's married to "your" Hollywood hearthrob? How would you feel if that was your husband and people were constantly saying those things about you? It isn't a life that I would want to live. (Mea Culpa Anne Hathaway.)

Single White Female - Remixed and Remastered
(The Roommate)

Also, take stock of the things that make you unique. What can you do that nobody else can do? Take those skills and develop those. Know how to make a killer batch of brownies? Take a baking class and learn how to make other things. So what if that greasy haired beyotch is now dating the love of your life. If he was really the love of your life, he'd still be with you. And you're too busy creating your pastry chef empire to notice.

It's human nature to be jealous every once in awhile, but it's not okay to let it control your life. So quit being so obsessed with the lives of others, and go get one! You'll be happy that you did.

Bride Wars

What is it about weddings that make women go off the deep end? From Bridezillas to Muriel's Wedding to Bride Wars, Hollywood has cashed in on the lengths that women will go to to have the perfect wedding. To be fair, not every woman that gets married goes off the deep end. Some women manage to be calm and collected throughout the planning process.

Liv and Emma in the aftermath of "it's all about me"

But this post isn't about them. It's about the anal retentive, stressed out crazy girls who morph from really nice people into monsters simply because someone put a ring on it. All of a sudden, her whole world revolves around hair stylists and flowers, dresses, cakes and photographers. Who's in, who's out, what's everyone wearing? It's exhausting.

The bride with the overzealous family

While we're at it, let's talk about bridesmaids for a minute. More than a few friendships have been ruined over bridesmaids. Either someone's feelings are hurt because they aren't in the wedding, or someone feels like they've gone above and beyond the call of duty and haven't been acknowledged. Bridesmaids are expected to fork over tons of money for dresses, venues, parties and more. Every once in awhile, there will be a maid of honor who expects everyone to attend high class events, and let's face it... when you're young and starting out, there isn't always money for such things. (For a hilarious spin on this conundrum, check out the movie Bridesmaids.)

On the other hand, brides have to put up with a lot of shit too. From the jealous friend who wants to make sure that the spotlight is on her, to the family that has to weigh in on every little thing, life isn't always fine and dandy for the bride.

So what is the deal? When did all of the wedding mumbo jumbo get so out of hand? Was it Charles and Di, or did it happen before that? Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of love and a joining of families. When did it become necessary to spend a gajillion dollars for one day? Are we trying to one up each other? Are we trying to impress people?

Don't get so caught up in the day that you crumble into bride land and forget every single person around you. Make sure that you are still communicating with your friends about something other than your impending wedding. Ask them what's up with them once in awhile. Don't forget to take breaks from the planning and be the person you really are for a few hours a week.

Oh Muriel. So desperate to get married that she finds a man in the paper.

And friends of the bride, this isn't about you. While it's okay to stick up for yourself if your bride is making you spend more than you feel comfortable with, don't criticize every decision. Better yet, if you know you can't afford to be a bridesmaid, turn her down. Just say, "Hey, I'm happy for you, but I don't have money to spend on a dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc." And if you're jealous because you aren't the one getting married. Swallow it. Now is not the time for you to get ugly. You don't have to show up to the wedding in a sexy dress and hook up with the groomsmen simply because you can.

Better yet, let's quit trying to outdo one another over a day. It's one day out of your entire life. Your focus should be on what comes afterwards, not being a pretty princess. Don't get married simply for the wedding. Make sure that your man is really the one that you want to have and to hold for better or worse, etc.

Hungry Eyes

Here's one thing that you may not know about me. My day job involves working for an industry that promotes healthy, active living. I think this is great! Regualr exercise and healthy eating is good for the body and the soul. I know that when I don't eat properly, I feel sluggish, grumpy and less focused. And the same goes for exercise. When I work out regularly, I don't get sick as much, I sleep better and I get less severe PMS (TMI, I know, but it's a great side effect).

J. Love, you were never fat

Why am I telling you all of this? Because, although I am an advocate of people being active and healthy, I think that our obsession with bodies in this country has gotten out of control. With the advent of HDTV, I can actually observe how thin some of the celebrities that we worship are, and to be honest, I think it's sort of gross. We live in a world where famous people and models alike are photo shopped beyond recognition on the covers of magazines. When someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt gains a few pounds and wears a size 6 (gasp!), people talk about how "fat" she is.

I used to be a wannabe actress and a promo ho. I know what it's like to walk into a place where people say you've got great legs, but your boobs are too small and you need a padded bra, stat! I've seen people who always want to lose 5 pounds, even though they look fine the way they are.

Although I am concerned about the growing obesity problem in the U.S., I'd really like to know who decided that skeletal = beautiful. We all know that men would rather look at Kim Kardashian, but women want to look like Pippa Middleton (who in my opinion has an incredibly boyish figure). Women spend money on breast and butt implants trying to look like Miss Kim K, but they are also logging miles on the treadmill to get into a bikini.

As a big girl, I think that it's okay if we don't fit into a specified mold. I know that at 5'4" with an athletic build (meaning that I tend to carry muscle and bulk up, not that I look like Misty May-Treanor), I am never going to look like Miranda Kerr. I am okay with this. I know what's realistic for my body type. I know what it looks like in peak condition. Do I still want to lose a few? Of course! I'm human, and I'm over 30, which means that my metabolism is slowing down, and it's not as easy to get back into a size 4 once you've let yourself go.

It's okay to give yourself a break. For giggles, log onto the Craigslist Personals section, if you dare (the posts can get raunchy, but they are highly entertaining). I guarantee that 90% of the "Men Seeking Women" describe themselves as "attractive" regardless of what they look like. Men don't fret over a spare tire or holiday weight. We need to stop doing this too.

My advice... Stop trying to lose weight. If you want to be active to have fun, be healthy and boost your energy levels, great! More power to you. But stop trying to fit into someone else's idea of how you should look and start liking yourself. Besides, when you finally accept yourself the way you are and quit fretting over how you look, you may be less inclined to indulge in emotional eating, shopping, drinking, etc. And that's always good!

Sometimes the Clothes do not Make the Man

Although we've all been told not to judge a book by its cover, most of us can't help it. When we meet people we tend to make snap decisions on whether or not we like them. For some of us, this can hinder our likelihood of getting to know the person, which could be a bad thing. A good portion of my current besties are people who I didn't like when I first met them.

How many of you are women who have a checklist in mind for a man? Be honest. (I'll be honest too. I fit the bill on this issue. I've got the perfect boyfriend in mind who is just the right combination of surfer boy meets GQ cover model, but I digress.) Does this checklist only involve superficial trates such as looks, manner of dress, job, etc.? This is typically Bad News Bears and a reason to examine the reasoning behind it.

I've always been somewhat of a commitment-phobe. When I was in my 20s, I was the girl who could find anything wrong with a date. I once rejected a perfectly good guy simply because his name was Blaine. I lined them up and subsequently knocked them down, always on the hunt for the bigger better deal. I must admit that I still have not gotten over this. As a big girl, I know that it's not very likely to find the perfect companion, but I'd still like to.

So why am I telling you what to do in this matter? Hopefully, some of you can learn from my mistakes. Rather than lining them up and knocking them down, maybe some of these guys should be given a shot. I know from experience that just because a guy has a million tattoos does not mean that he is a hard-partying douche stick. Maybe he is a perfectly nice guy who likes tattoos. You never know unless you give him a shot. 

Although I am not completely successful in taking my own advice in this matter, I have gotten to the point where I no longer roll my eyes and act like a total beyotch to anyone that approaches me in a bar. Like a kitten who bites and scratches at any given moment, I have mellowed in my old age. And this matter has definitely caused me to seek out the deep seeded issues which must be overcome.

For my fellow commitment-phobes, the issues could run the gamut from Daddy issues, to low self esteem, to any number of issues. For me personally, the issue lies in a chance to experience everything that life has to offer. I want to see everything that there is to see and do everything that there is to do. I want to go out there and make all of my dreams come true, and I guess there is a small part of me who thinks that getting married would effectively put the kibosh on all of this. I don't want to be told what to do, how to spend my money, where to live, etc. I like not having to consult someone if I want to go on vacation. I guess you can call me selfish. Hopefully in the future, I can write to all of you about the confessions of a former ice queen.