Once upon a time...

As little girls, we were always told some variation of the same story. Damsel in distress is rescued by the handsome prince and they get married and live happily ever after. As we got older, this theme was not-so-subtly parroted by the movies we came to know and love. Remember that part in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere "rescues" Julia Roberts from the tower? Bleh. Or how about when Jack rescues Rose from her awful princess existence on Titanic. Okay, so that is different, because he dies, and they don't live happily ever after. I digress. I will not even begin to expound on Edward Cullen, except to say that millions of women around the world have fallen in love with a fictional character.

Then there is the old standby - the Romantic Comedy. These aren't as formulaic and easy to break down, but suffice it to say that they are still selling us the "every girl can get the perfect guy," fantasy. Like, he just lives down the street and is going to bump into you someday with his shirt off and his 12-pack glistening in the sun as he offers to help you move your couch/stereo/heavy box, etc.

I have to admit that even as I settle into my 30s and drift ever closer to the 34-43 box, I am still looking for the total package. Call me shallow, but I want someone who is perfect for me with a great personality who brings out the best qualities in me wrapped up in a pretty package. Yes, I know that it is giving in to the fantasy of it all, but I can't help it. I know that being super picky limits options, and it might be severely limiting my dating pool, but I don't care. Hand me a Joe Manganiello clone with a sense of humor like Jimmy Fallon and some brains, and I will be happy.

Although I do realize that these are unrealistic expectations. And guess what? When you find that guy, he won't be perfect. After the honeymoon phase wanes and you've lived together for awhile, there will be issues. He's going to leave his dirty undies on the floor. He's still gonna tear up the bathroom on occasion. He's still gonna be hanging out with his friends and playing video games on the couch when you want to have one on one time. He might burn dinner once in awhile or not be psychic enough to know what's wrong when you say "fine."

Guys are guys. "Perfect" doesn't exist. Edward Cullen isn't out there. Now, I'm not saying that you need to completely lower your standards. You don't have to date a guy who sponges off of you while he's waiting for his band to make it. You don't need someone who puts you down, or makes you feel bad about yourself. And lastly, you simply don't NEED a guy to complete you. Find someone who brings out your best qualities and make him yours. But don't rely on him for your own self esteem. Do your own shit and take care of yourself. Then and only then can you find the "perfect" relationship. But remember to cut him some slack too.

Got my Drunk Text on, I'll Regret it in the Morning...

With the advent of social media coupled with the rise of the smartphone, the world is at our fingertips. Media such a Facebook mobile and Twitter allow us to talk to complete strangers across the world whenever we want. Gone are the days in which you had to call a guy and hang up on him 400 times before you had the guts to actually talk to him. Now you can type what you wanted to say with the click of a button.

As with many a technology, smart phones and alcohol DO NOT mix. How many times have you looked at your phone the night after a party, scrolled through your texts and remorsefully figured out a way to apologize for all the things you texted/tweeted? Tequila induced texts can range from the somewhat embarrassing (like telling your cute coworker how great his butt looks in those jeans he always wears) to the down-right crazy (like telling your ex that you're going to kidnap his dog).

It's generally not a good idea to go out drinking when you're sad or upset over something or someone, because alcohol usually intensifies this effect. What ends up happening is that you either fall victim to that guy who always calls you at 3 am, but won't take you to the movies, or you get flat out rejected and end up feeling like an asshole.

We as ladies need to wake up to the fact that drunk texts/calls don't make us look cuter or more desirable. He's not going to look at your misspelled, incoherent rant and all of a sudden realize what a mistake he made by not dating you. Drunk dialing/texting isn't cute, funny or sexy. If someone would invent an app that would lock your phone when you hit a certain blood alcohol level, it would be widely welcomed by people everywhere. Then we wouldn't have to figure out how to explain what we were trying to say to you last night.

A good rule to abide by is to get your friend to take custody of your phone while you're out. That way you won't be tempted to reach out and touch the world. And you won't have to wake up and delete all of your tweets in the a.m.